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summer will be at my disposal in no longer than 10 days and i have that pleasantly discomforting and anxious feeling because it is just about at the tips of my fingers but not close enough for me to grab. maybe it's because my grades in anatomy and ap lit depend on these next ten days but i think the real reason for why it feels the most strange this year to be awaiting summer is that this year has gone by the fastest. i mean of course i say every year, "omg that went by so fast!" but THIS time... man. and if i were to put it on a graph, x being time and y being how fast it goes... haha then it would look like a patiently gliding line that abruptly skyrockets as soon as the year hits quest testimonies and all of a sudden i'm almost a graduate. i didn't have time to do so many things yet i did so many. and maybe, another reason is that now i'm starting to wonder how i'm going to react to the upcoming passing year. it might be completely different with countless ups and downs and curves in the graph or it might be pretty much the same. the point is, i am currently in this arms out, take-me-as-i-am, come-what-may state and frightened as fuck. but that's really how it goes huh. hopefully its true that in their most vulnerable times, people become their most natural selves. but i haven't learned everything yet so i'll trust myself to go with whatever feels right.
either way, summer, as it sweeps me away into charmingly sleepless, warm nights and careless abandon, will be everything up to this point. the transition, farewell, and hello.
but here are some things that make me happy.

blow out the candle. go to sleep.